Bitterness is not the solution

At the beginning of training camp I was blessed with the role of hospitality. It’s a role of intentionality, humility, servitude, and celebration of all life. Me and 4 others were given the task to make sure that the squad is always respecting our ministry hosts with cleanliness, timing on tasks, organizing holidays or birthday parties, squad events and so much more. With my squad being together for the 6 weeks of ministry in Colombia, it was challenging and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get exhausted working and leading so many people. It was evident as soon as we landed in Colombia and put our roles into action who automatically took a leader position. And that person was me. I ended up taking initiative of a lot of things before others did. The reason behind this was because hardly anyone would plan ahead, and we would do things very last minute. The end result? A load on my shoulders way too big for me to carry on my own. And did I ask for help? Hardly. There were plenty of moments where I was weak emotionally, mentally, and spiritually because I did not ask for help and I did not call my brother and sisters higher.

Because of this, I grew bitter towards the squad emotionally. Mentally, I was tired of telling them to clean up after themselves over and over again. Spiritually, I didn’t lead with a Christ-like love and so I grew distant from Him.

Now what I should have done was immediately go to hospo and tell them what was going on within me and within us as a group. But instead I let the entire 6 weeks go by, and it wasn’t until the 7th week during debrief that I shared what was happening. However, it wasn’t without the encouragement of my brothers and sisters who visually saw the load I was carrying and noticed that something needed to be done.

About 3/4 of the way through debrief, my mentor sat the hospo team down at breakfast and asked us if there was anything we wanted to share. I let a few seconds go by holding my breath, knowing that she knew I had something to say, and said “Ok yes, I have something that I need to get off my chest…”. After explaining that I did not feel as if we all shared an equal load together and that I desired for us to all lead, 3 out of 4 responded and what they said in response really shocked me.

The first girl said that she felt the same way about all of us coming together as one and carrying an equal load, but every time she would go for a task undone or an unchecked box on the list, I would already be doing it. And she hesitated in joining in that task because I “looked like I was handling it or already tackled it”.

The second girl expressed that she too always immediately responds to tasks or chores that need to be done and that she leans towards wanting to be the controller of a task…but she hesitated as well when seeing I had already been doing it.

The last person to talk really made my eyes open to the way I led. He told me that every time he entered into a space that I had under my control, I would push him aside or not have an inviting attitude. And he understood my mood explaining that “yah me too when I’m in control I’m always in a go go go mindset and anything in my way is a nuisance or of no help”. And I absolutely hated that he felt that way in my “controlled” environment.

After expressing apologies and figuring out what needed to change in the last few days we were together, the load became much lighter. All three willingly took on so much. Especially both of the girls and I’m so very proud of them. I left debrief very satisfied with hospitality’s response and looking forward to the rest of my time as a member instead of dreading it.